Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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