24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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