she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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