I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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