Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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