I just pynch a tree in the face
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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