Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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