I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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