I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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