I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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