I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
