New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
