my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
