So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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