my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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