420 ftw
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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