nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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