i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
