He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
