Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
