if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
