I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
