Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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