I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
