woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
