i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
