I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
