people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
