Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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