I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
