Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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