If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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