Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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