these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
