Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
