i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
