I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
