an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
