Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize