The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
