I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
