I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
