I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This house was built for laser tag.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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