theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
