If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
