Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
