Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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