Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
