does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
