nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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