I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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