Just fell off a train. Bad.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
