my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Found your dick twin last night
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
