Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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