he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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