If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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