Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
