currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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