I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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