Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
