I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
