we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
