drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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