On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
