party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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